Confession!

Posted: July 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

I woke up this morning with my mind racing a million miles a minute and I was never able to get back to resting…to tell you the truth, I never really fell asleep. My mind wouldn’t let me. It’s like I had too many things to think about and think through to be able to sleep. One of the things that made me asleep last night after considering my relationship status several years ago and wrote with my mission as two to three years ago. I will write the message without changing any word to show you how a grown man can not pursue growing segment especially in relationships after wounding.

God….my heart hurts so badly…please God help me. I keep begging to you
to let me use anger to cope and you tell me NO. But I could be so
productive and aggressive if you just let me be angry at her for
leaving me. For giving up on us. For leaving me lonely and without
companionship. There aren’t a lot of things that I beg for Lord but
human companionship has been one of them. But then you tell me that my
anger would be misplaced…and my reasons are only my human brokenness
trying to latch on to the only thing it knows. “Self preservation”.
Fight or flight as some call it and I want to fight. I want to fight
everyone too…not just her for hurting me but everyone that has ever
hurt me…on purpose or by mistake because I’m sick of it. Then you say
to me “who do you think you are?” Good point God. I’m nobody that
has hurt plenty of people.

Then all I want is to be sad. All I want to do is curl up in a little
ball and disappear. I want to be left alone because I’m a damn good
actor but even I can’t act like I’m not hurting right now. People are
scarcely finding out that we are apart and reaching out…NO…I’m NOT
okay. I AM sad…I lost my best friend and it’s my fault…but the saddest
part is that I don’t even know what I could have done differently. I
don’t know what I COULD have done differently. I’ve been caught in
this place where I had to follow what it is that I believe God has in
store for me and between the girl that I love and want to be with. I
never thought that I would be having to go through this
again…rebuilding my life and figuring out what my days look like
without her. Reaching for my phone to tell her I love her…but then
not. Reaching for my phone to check on her day…but then not. Reaching
for my phone to report the good news of the day…but then not. After
all of that and SO much more…God is there to pick me up. To make it
hard for me to stay curled up in a ball…to reach into my heart and
console it. I still feel sad…and I still cry…but God is keeping me
from being destructive to myself as a loving guy would. Thank you
God.

Then I try to be happy or hopeful. I try to pick my head up and walk
forward into whatever it is that the world has in store for me. Ok
God! I trust that you have control over this…I know that everything
works out for a reason. I know that it’s your will or the highway! One
could list off every positive way of looking at the break up and I
have probably thought it. I mean, I’m such a delusional optimist
sometimes that it takes me a little bit to even register that
something bad happened. It’s taken me weeks to register that someone
had passed away…All I thought about was the fact that they were in a
better place…or out of pain. I probably had a bit of this happen this
time with this break up. I kept thinking, “Now she doesn’t have to be
mad at me anymore. Now she can be free to have whatever it is that she
wants that I came up short on. Now she doesn’t have to be in such a
complicated situation. She can have peace. She can have the normal
life that she wants.” But then I can’t stay happy because all of that
means that I lose my best friend in the process.

I can’t be anything. I can only be sad and angry and hopeful all at
once. Each is able to take turns on my face and in my heart but it’s
not long before each emotion is shoved out of the way by another. I
feel like I’m being pulled in every direction at once. I think the
worst part of it all is that, because of my optimism, all I can think
about is how much fun we had and how many good times we shared. I
didn’t have a problem…even in the end. I knew that I wasn’t making her
happy and I was trying so hard…but my situation was so complicated for
her….and I understand that.

God please bring her peace. She deserves it. She’s a great woman and
she loves you so much.

It is a hurtful message I thought about last night, I haven’t been the love of women and even as I write this message I am not one to think largely about relationships and life just passed onwards. I do not love a person of any kind that would return her love, I have only love with my heart.
Have a good weekend dear

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Comments
  1. mkenda says:

    i rly like it

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