When Love Dies!

Posted: November 26, 2013 in Uncategorized

When Love Dies!

My life changed so dramatically on 2008, that I sometimes wonder if I’m still the same person. I used to hear stories of awful tragedies and think of all the reasons it could never happen to me. I found out that the unthinkable can happen to any of us.

When my fiance and I first started dating, we were so hot for each other that nothing got in the way of our urge to be together. It didn’t matter how busy we were at work (for me) and college (for her), how many errands we needed to accomplish, how many family or social obligations we had. If the time was right, we were together. And the time was nearly always right. I remember returning to home after an engagement. It was very late, we were very tired — but we still had our clothes nearly all the way off before we’d even gotten fully in the door. It was unspoken, delicious, and very spontaneous.

Fast forward several years. We thought we will get married. We had our dreams. We still have sex, to be sure, but it’s just not as … spontaneous as it once was. A typical conversation: “We should really have sex sometime this weekend.” “Hmm, yes, you’re right.” Like most long-term couples, we’re sometimes left wondering if the spark of early-relationship sex is gone forever.
The bad news: Yes, it is. The good news: If you maintain the right attitude, sex can get better in the years to come. But first, a look at why couples together for a long time go through such a shift.

Back when you two first fell in love, you experienced chemical changes in your body that you felt as lust. In that period, just thinking about your beloved counted as foreplay. But when that initial intensity fades, as it inevitably does, some couples feel betrayed by their own bodies. One or both of the partners, not feeling as instantaneously turned on, initiate sex less often, or gradually stop having sex altogether. They’ve fallen into the trap of believing that supercharged sex is the only good sex. “We have outsized notions of what a ‘good’ sex life should look and feel like”.

“We expect that the effortless arousal we used to feel will continue until we are old and gray.” It’s not just a woman thing, either. Both husbands and wives feel sad when they find that foreplay takes forethought. When they have to start thinking about or scheduling sex, “they interpret this to mean that they are not attracted to their spouse anymore and not attractive to their spouse anymore.” But in the majority of cases, that could not be further from the truth.

Other factors play into the problem too. When you were first together, your sweetheart could do no wrong. But once you’ve been in the relationship for a while, the rose-colored glasses come off, little annoyances escalate, and larger resentments may set in and fester. “Over the years,” “partners inevitably end up hurting one another. And anger and hurt feelings tend to suppress sexual feelings, particularly for women.” Throw in the hormonal shifts and sleep deprivation women experience after childbirth, and sex takes yet another hit.

As a human being we all have our limits on how available we are to listen, just as we all have our limits on how much we can do or give.

We may feel weighed down by the other person’s grousing, which can take up too much space in the relationship and feel like a tape automatically going round and round. If that other person happens to be a family member, our own mood may spiral downward in response to these chronic expressions of worry or negativity. If the other person rejects our best efforts to help, and takes no positive action on his or her own behalf, the challenge of compassionate listening is especially great. It may be difficult for the listener to get past the need to be helpful and to accept the reality that the complaining party is not able or willing to take steps to solve a problem or to move out of a negative space.

Indeed, when our capacity to listen has been exceeded, we need to find a way to end the conversation or move it in a different direction. The goal is to protect the self without acting at the expense of the other.

Noor I remain


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