Posted: August 26, 2013 in Uncategorized

In a perfect world, men and women would marry, live long and happy lives together, and leave this world at about the same time. But we live in a world that is far from perfect. People sometimes die young, leaving behind grieving spouses with potentially long lives ahead of them. And too many marriages simply do not last and collapse into divorce.

I think one of the biggest misunderstandings about divorce is that there is necessarily “a” custodial parent, rather than two parents who share custody: “who gets the kids?”. “Both” is an extremely viable answer if the parents are able to cooperate, and evidence points–in the absence of serious hostility between the parents–to shared physical custody being the best custody arrangement.

“I participated in a divorce support forum for almost a decade starting with my own divorce back in 2001, and I knew/met lots of women and men who were in shared parenting arrangements of one sort or another, including parents that had been sole breadwinner father/housewife prior to the split”

Divorce is for one spouse to move out of the shared residence. This might just be a trial separation while they decide if divorce is imminent or if they might get back together, or this might be a definite step in the initiation of the divorce. If it is the former, then this is not a legally recognized separation, and any assets or debts created during this time are still jointly owned.

When people refer to “legal separation” they usually mean that period of time they are required to live apart before they can file for divorce. Most country don’t actually have a “legal separation,” just the separation requirement, which entails living (and sleeping) in different locations at all times. Even getting back together for short periods of time may reset the clock for the separation period. Separate bedrooms in the same house do not constitute a separation. Like for the final divorce, there can be an agreement to divide property and temporarily establish spousal support and child custody. Any assets or debts accumulated during the separation belong to the individual rather than the couple. Sometimes, people choose a legally recognized separation in lieu of a divorce, meaning the couple is still legally married but living apart indefinitely.

“I am very disturbed by all these stories… My heart breaks for all children of divorce…young and adult. Unfortunately the second wife/husbands have no idea what really went on in their homes, behind closed doors. These children had to deal with their family, their home, being destroyed right before their eyes… I’m sure my children are the ‘evil ones’ in the eyes of their father’s new wife ~ she doesn’t have a clue the abuse, mental, emotional and verbal, that went on … and continues. They are now strong intelligent adults and chose not to allow this into their life. So sad it was at the hands of their own biological father. So easy to blame those who did not even have a choice. 

I am sorry, I do not believe we should stop being parents because our children are 23+, there have been many many times in my life I needed my father and mother… the two who loved me like no other… and I am 50.” Mama Sashah

Before we get married, we need to be critical and research a prospective mate. However, after we’ve decided to marry and then marry, it needs to first and foremost be viewed as meant to be, and for a reason and purpose and under God’s watchful eyes at all times.

Thus, embrace this initially in terms of what you’re to learn from it, as well as realize that you’ve accomplished something with your girls and that your husband needs to do with his kids and that puts you in a position to be helpful to him. At the same time he completes you and can be helpful to you with those things you struggle with and he excels at.

Though it is generally true that it takes two to tango and only one to “untango,” there is hardly a divorce in which the breakup is exclusively the fault of one of the partners. So, it behooves any divorced person to engage in serious soul-searching before remarrying, to contemplate what will be done differently so that the next marriage will endure.

Anyone who fails to do this before remarrying is irresponsible and not ready for remarriage. One who cannot recognize his mistakes and learn from them is bound to repeat them. This common-sense observation falls into the general ambit of “Love your fellow Jew as yourself” which is understood as the obligation to engage in the type of activity that will enhance the viability of an impending marriage.



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